I took a step back from the relationship that I am in and asked for some space. Now all I feel like doing is crying. I am 40 years old, I am not married and my whole life is up in the air. They say you will know what to do, when the time is right. I guess that time is not here yet.
Strange as it sounds, I said before that I did not want to get married again, but I actually want to be married. What is wrong with me? Someone, please tell me! This is so confusing.
The only conclusion that I can come to is that I am scared. Scared to make a mistake. Scared to be miserable. Scared that I will fail again.
As far as the relationship I am in, if it could just be he and I, we could conquer the world together. We could live happily ever after and never look back. Except for the fact that we both have two children. Each. Children that we share with other people and these little people are being raised in two completely different manners. On two opposite ends of the spectrum.
And that is where I falter. I hesitate. I step back. I dig my heels in and scream "whooaaa".
So now I sit here alone and ponder what to do. What to do, what to do. Sit here alone half of the time while he has his weekend visitation with his kids for the next 5 to 7 years, or do I move on?
That is the question, and boy is it a doozy!
5 comments:
You sound like me, always wanting what I don't have. Then when I finally make a decision I second guess it every step of the way. I wish I knew what to tell you. It does sound like you do need some time though, so maybe taking that step back is the right thing right now. I'm here if you ever need a shoulder.....shoot me an email or give me a buzz if you still have my number. Hugs!
I have no words of advice, friend! All I can say is pray for an answer. He won't let you down! Praying for you!
It is scary. You would be making a decision for 6 people and not just 2. No wonder you are overwhelmed! Blended families are tricky especially where co-parenting is involved. Take the time that you need before taking a leap of faith. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
I read something really great yesterday about how we're supposed to make mistakes and that's how God wants us to learn. We can't just learn from reading lessons, but we have to learn from trying. From LIVING.
Make a mistake and don't judge yourself too harshly as long as you tried in the best possible manner you can. It's not failing if you treated others with respect and attempted with the tools we're given to act in goodness. It's not failing if you learn something from the act, even if the result isn't what you initially expected or wanted.
As for the children....they are their own people. And while your worlds revolve around them right now, for the next 5-7, soon enough their worlds WON'T revolve around you. They will be out living, making mistakes, learning. Sometimes I think it's best if we step back from our children and stop over-analyzing. I must do this right now, with my stepson, and stop distracting myself with the way his mother influences him, do my best with the time I'm given with him, and be satisfied. If he doesn't "turn out" like I want or expected, I have to be satisfied that I did my best with what I was given. I haven't always done my best, and made mistakes that I am not proud of. But I learned from that, and am trying to change.
I think that's all we can do. Think less, feel more, and constantly learn. If this relationship makes you happy.....and the influence on the children isn't negative (negative reactions by kids don't make the relationship in their life negative! they're kids...they don't always understand what's best for them), go for it. :)
This is long. Again. As always. LOL Happy Sunday.
I'm afraid I am no help either...except I will be here to listen. Good luck!
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