This past weekend, my Dad called and asked if I would go by and visit for a little while and he told me that he was going to call my sister to go also.
At first I didn't think much of it, but then I got to thinking and I called her to see what he had said and if she was going. She said yes. She had questioned him, and he said he just wanted us to go by. Nothing more.
I knew there was an ulterior motive.
It will be 8 months on August 5th that my mother passed away. I plan to blog all about that later, but I felt the need to throw in that little tidbit of info.
My Dad wanted to tell us that he had gone out to dinner with a lady friend. I didn't say a word at first.
I was shocked.
Speechless.
Stunned.
I didn't want to be crude or rude and so when he asked how we felt about it, after telling us who she was, I told him it was ok. For me. Not for my mom.
Let me explain.
My mom and dad were married for 40 something years. For the last 15 years or so of their marriage she was sick. Cancer. Among other things.
When she died, I heard stories about how men can not be alone. They usually find someone else before much time goes by and move on with their lives. Not my dad. Or so I thought.
Now, granted, he did explain everything to us. The lady he is 'friends' with now is a neighbor of his and her husband died of cancer about 6 years ago. She is around my dads age and has some daughters around my age. I went to school with two of them. As far as I know, she is really sweet and they both said they were not looking for anything 'serious' but just someone to do things with. I am ok with that. I think.
The reason I feel so bittersweet with this news is that I want my dad to be happy and I don't want him to sit around and be depressed and wither away into nothing. I can barely remember a day in my dads life when I was growing up that he was ever sick. He has always lived a very active life and I would hate to see him throw all of that away. He says that he is not looking to ever get married again and this woman was left very taken care of financially as a widow, so she obviously would not need someone to take care of her in that aspect. Which again, calms my worries. I would hate it if my dad were to be used.
I just feel so bad for my mom. I know she isn't with us anymore. And I know that marriage vows are 'til death do us part' and all that. I just can't get past how she would feel if she 'knew'. I think about it and I'm ok with it all until I think of her feelings. I don't know if this is normal or if I am just plain strange for thinking and feeling this way. I understand that life goes on and all that good stuff, I just feel as though it is a little soon for this.
Maybe it will be good for him to have someone that can relate to what he went through and to be there for him. I only want what's best for him. I love my dad....and I miss my mom.
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8 comments:
I can only imagine how you feel. That is a tough one, and I have never walked in your shoes, I don't know how I'd feel about it.
This is so hard, I understand how much you must miss your mom and how that hurts. And I know what you mean about wanting your dad to be happy. I truly believe that your mom is at peace and she knows exactly what is going on with your dad and she is fine with it. I know it sounds like I am just telling you something to make you feel better, but I'm not, I really do believe it.
The fact that both your dad and this woman have lost their partners to cancer gives them a connection. It might not be a romance, it might just be a great friendship, something that they both need.
Sending you some hugs.
In my situation, my father died of a heartattack almost 14 years ago. My mother almost died with him. Instead of taking her own life, she got up each day and took care of the 3 children he left her to raise alone. She met my stepdad 6 months after my father died. They got married about a year after my father died. I know for a fact that she has never stopped loving my father, and that my father would have wanted her to have help in raising the children. Your situation is a little different because you are older, but I still believe that you mother would have wanted your dad to be happy. No one will take the place of your mother, your father and his new friend know that. I think he deserves to be happy, especially given all that he went through. You have a right to feel the way you do, but from experience it takes a lot longer to take down a wall than it does to build it up. I hope I didn't come across as harsh, it wasn't my intention.
I have no idea how I would feel, and it seems trite to say that your mom would probably want your Dad to be happy. So I won't say that. But that's what I really and truly believe. Having said that, this is all uncharted territory for you and for most people, and I am sure your reaction is very normal.
*Big hugs* It's a hard thing.
Goodness, that is a tough one. I have never been in a situation like that either so I don't know how I would feel. I hope everything works out smoothly for you and your sister..and ofcourse your father.
*Hugs*
I completely get the bittersweet emotions running through you. I think I would feel very similar.
Everyone experiences and feels things differently, so I can only tell you my experiences and feelings.
My mom died 9.5 years ago. She married my stepfather when I was about 1 and they were married 33 years. I consider my step-dad to be my dad for the most part.
He started dating again within several months of my mom's death. I lived far away, so I couldn't meet her for a while. She was a nice lady, but he wanted companionship and she wanted a serious relationship with committment. That relationship lasted for around a year. I was uncomfortable. I was cautiously supportive. I was worried she would scam him. I was worried they would get married and she would throw away things that were important to my mom.
Then there was a short term long-distance relationship. She wanted him to change. He just wanted companionship. That one didn't last more than 6 months. I never met her. I was a little less uncomfortable, a little less worried about a scam, still worried about the marriage and throwing away my mom stuff.
A while later, he started dating a widow he had known professionally for years. She is financially independent, lots of fun, trustworthy and stable. He is doing things that he wouldn't have done with my mom because she wouldn't have wanted to. They are companions. They have been for several years. I don't worry about a scam. I doubt if they will marry. I'm happy for him.
But, I still miss my mom. And I miss the part of my dad that I will never have again because she is no longer with him. And I will always be slightly uncomfortable with the fact that he has a relationship with a woman other than my mom.
At this point, he's probably just aching to talk to someone who has been where he is now.
It helped me to think that if my dad had died, I would have wanted my mom to heal, and to seek companionship too.
I'm so sorry that your mom died. I was talking to a lady in her 70's one time shortly after my mom's death. She said she still missed her mom. I found it comforting that she still had times many years later that she still felt that loss.
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