My Story (Part Three)

Part One

Part Two


I remember the night like it was yesterday. It was a Friday night and C had just returned from work and we were to have our discussion. I don’t think I have ever been more afraid of anything in my whole life. I just knew that my world was about to fall apart and I was right.

C walked in and I was sitting on the couch and he came over and sat down with me. I knew at that instant that he wasn’t going to say anything that I wanted to hear. His wedding ring was not on his finger and he looked a mess. I instantly started crying. I told him that I knew what he was going to say, because his wedding ring was already gone and what exactly did he want to tell me?
Basically, C wanted to leave for a while and go and stay at his mothers because he was not happy and he (supposedly) had not been for a while. He also told me that if I thought that this had anything to do with S or J, that I was mistaken. Everything that was wrong had to do with he and I and nobody else was involved. I could not believe that and I really wanted to die! I later found out (from C) that even though he made it sound like this was just a trial separation, he always intended for there to be a divorce from the start, and he thought that leading me to believe we could/would reconcile later, would make things a lot smoother for me. Oh, was he ever wrong.

I went through the “How could you?” questions, to “Can we go to therapy?” to “Don’t you love me?” and he didn’t want to hear any of that. In his opinion, ‘therapy can’t fix the problems we have’……’I don’t love you like I should’ and there was nothing I could do or say to change his mind, he was very adamant and I was totally confused.

After about 2 hours of useless conversation, C got some of his things together so that he could leave, which really led me into a tailspin of desperation. I cried. I begged. I was hurt, and confused, betrayed, mortified, helpless, and sick. I can not even begin to think about how I was going to survive this. I thought that everything in the world that I had was gone. My husband, my family, my life….gone, in a matter of minutes.

Finally, after he left, I just laid on the couch and screamed, and cried and yelled …”Why? Why? Why?” How was I going to tell my children (who think their dad hung the moon) that their father moved out and he wasn’t coming back? What would I tell my family, my friends, my neighbors?

After a while I went to bed, very late and I didn’t sleep. Obviously. I was up at 4 AM and I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and dressed and prepared myself to go to my parents house and tell them. I had to talk to someone and I knew that I could not hide this from them. My kids would know soon enough what was going on and I had to let my parents in on it.

When I walked in the door, before I could even get across the room, I busted out crying and I think I scared my mom. When I finally blurted out what was wrong, they both could not believe it and assured me that they thought he would be back after he came to his senses. I was not so sure and I told them that. We talked for a good while and then I left. I felt like a failure telling my own mom and dad that my husband didn’t want me anymore.

When I later explained to my kids that their dad would be gone for a while, they were not really upset, but they were a little confused. I don’t believe the reality of it all set in until much later in time.

As far as I was concerned, this was, by far, the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Ever. I still, to this day, don’t think I did, or ever will, experience anything more horrible.

I fell into a deep depression. I didn’t want to see anyone. I got up in the mornings, took my kids to school and then came home and went straight to bed. I would lay there all day and just cry and mourn for the loss of my marriage. I was helpless and useless. Most of all, I was ashamed. I didn’t want to go out in public, because I believed that anyone who looked at me would just ‘know’. I was so embarrassed.

The very next weekend, C took the kids and went to his moms with them. He never discussed with me what was to go on there, but he told them about their half sister and introduced her to them. I was furious. I had told him that I wanted to be there to answer any question they had and explain to them anything that they didn’t understand. This was only adding salt to my wounds. Then to top that off, they were introduced to S also, and that almost killed me right there. I hated this woman with my whole being. I just can not even begin to explain how much. I know that ‘hate’ is a strong word, but I don’t know anyone who would not have felt the way I did towards her had they walked in my shoes.

Needless to say, at this point, the reason C left me was basically so that he could start a relationship with a woman who he had dated barely a couple of months, over 15 years ago. He knew nothing about her after all this time. Only that she was the mother of his illegitimate child, who was going through a divorce, and who wanted my husband back in her life. How could someone I’ve known for 15 ½ years leave me and be with someone he barely knew at all? I never could figure that out , and I guess that’s for the best, because at times I really didn’t think he knew what he was doing.

This was the same husband who, only 2 years before, renewed his marriage vows to me and had our marriage blessed in the Catholic church. The same man who sat with me, before the priest, and told him he didn’t know how people could divorce and not realize what they were doing to their children. The same husband who was so upset and confused that my best friend left her husband (one of his best friends) because she didn’t love him and wanted out. The same man who vowed to me (twice!) to love me for better or for worse.

I felt like my life was over……but it wasn’t….

(to be continued)

I promise to move onto happier times of my life once I am done with this, but I just felt the need to get all of this out and share, as it is a part of the healing that I so need.